Living With Dad: Stuff dad said/did

I can't make this stuff up...

Before leaving to meet friends one night: "Make sure you don't pick up any hitch hikers. That's really dangerous.

"After watching the news: "They uncovered businesses sending money to accounts in Carribean banks...did you know politicians do that too?"

"Do you want a piece of cheese before bed?". (huh?)

"Did you know there are people that can find out where you are by following your phone?" Me: "It's called gps, dad. It's the same thing I use in the car." Dad:"Really?

"While watching WWE wrestling: "Why would they gang up on the guy like that? They sent him to the hospital. Wait, what do you mean he's filming a movie?"

Bought a package of hot dogs, cooked ALL of them at once and put them in a clear jar in the refrigerator for later consumption.

I left my cell phone in my house when i was leaving for work and drove back home to get it. I walked in to my father on his cell phone calling my cell phone (which he is holding in his other hand).
Dad: "I was calling you...you left your cell phone..."
Me:"Ok...dad,how am I getting the call? You have my phone?"
Dad: "...huh?"

Living With Dad: Episode III

Today I tried explaining to my dad that the honey jar that's been in my cabinet has not spoiled. "Son, everything on this earth spoils and decomposes" he said in his "Mighty and Powerful Oz" voice. When I mentioned that I had just seen a documentary on the wonders of bees, he gave me that smug "you really don't know what you're talking about" look.

Does this dynamic ever change? Somehow it seems there is no possible way that in my lifetime I may have accumulated any accurate information on any topic that we discuss.

On another subject, for those of you that don't know, my dad and grandmother have been taking turns going to the hospital lately so the past two weeks have not been fun. In all of this, somehow I got a half-prop for picking the doctor that sent dad to a hospital that treated him like a king. If he could have moved in voluntarily he probably would have. Ok, maybe that's going too far, but he did love the way he was treated and felt confident that he was being cared for properly.

Lately it just seems like before I make weekend plans I call all the family elders to see how they're feeling this weekend.

Insert your "that's life" comment here...

Living With Dad: Part Deux

My dad continues to consistently surprise me with little "dad-isms." The relationship hasn't changed much except that he is constantly trying to feed me as if I needed any more food in my overextended stomach. Last week, I was closing a Ziploc bag and unconsciously closed it in parts (squeeze the strips together in 3 steps - first part, second, etc). I should have known what was coming next because I saw him make an odd facial expression and aim in in my direction.

"You know, you actually close the bag by joining one end and sliding it closed across to the other end."

"Dad, I know how to close the bag. It's sealed, right?"

He has also decided to rebel against any adult that seems to tell him what to do. It took me weeks to get him to agree to a medical plan. Today, he doesn't like his doctor. He wants a new guy. Apparently the doctor's office sent him to take the same exam twice. A careless mistake. But the minute you realize that it is the same exam you already took, wouldn't you say something? He is usually opinionated about EVERYTHING but he one time he needed to speak up he chose silence so he could come home and be a martyr. Then he pouted like a 5 year old when I told him he should have spoken up and that it was his own fault.

Dad has also upgraded his "watching people through the window" skills with a new "scare the crap out of his son when he gets home" skill.

I will usually get home and the start changing clothes to get comfortable. Dad will wait until I think I'm alone and pop out of nowhere with a loud "HI, HOW WAS WORK" while simultaneously scaring the crap out me as he pops out of another room like the old, fat Batman in The Dark Night Returns.

The best part has to be his child-like enjoyment of WWE wrestling. He loves it. Watches it every chance he gets. One little problem - he thinks that it is real.

No, really - he does.

I once tried explaining the "heel" and "hero" thing, how many "characters" go back and forth and other stuff I had read about Vince McMahon (who is a pretty smart marketing genius). The conversation quickly turned into how this character was not friends with that one and so on. I explained that these guys work out together and they help train the newbies...blah, blah, blah. I may as well have spoken Chinese because I was instead told that he hates all the dramatic parts and that they should just wrestle...then went on to a 10 minute story about how one wrestler married this girl and so on.

What can I do? He's over 70 - there's nothing I can force him understand anymore. I'll just let him enjoy this fantasy.

Let's get ready to rumble....

Living With Dad Part 1: Life's Little Game Of Role Reversal

For the past few months, my dad has been living with me. It seems he's the only retiree who leaves Florida to return to NY for his golden years. If you know my dad, you know that it fits his backwards personality. During the past few months, I've been real careful not to fall into old roles. Without being too overbearing, I've made sure that we both understand that he is to feel comfortable in my house while at the same time knowing that we are in my house and not vice versa like when I was a child. So far, so good. Only once was there an altercation and we worked through that really well.

It's weird when you notice your dad's quirks after being an adult. I already knew he was paranoid, a conspiracy theorist and frequently displayed anti-social behavior, but now I notice the smaller things. I lived with a room mate for years and have also traveled with friends. Frequently I've shared more impersonal toiletries such as soap, toothpaste - but my own father brings his own. Weird. Maybe he doesn't want to impose on my supplies? He does that kind of thing. I have to constantly remind him he doesn't have to ask my permission to drink iced tea from the pitcher in the fridge.

Today he spent a bit of time people watching. But not casual, "spy-like" watching. All out, "let me put my entire body in the open window and stare" watching. The type that you would think was creepy if you didn't know him.

I constantly find myself feeling like I'd assume a parent does while watching their child marvel over something new. In my father's case, the new things could be a video on You Tube or the speed at which I find some info he needs on Google. Earlier in the year, I took my 97 year old grandmother, my mother and father all to the supermarket so they wouldn't have to trek home on foot with the groceries. The entire time can be compared to a parent going to the supermarket with 3 toddlers: items being picked up to be bought, questions about "what's this?",a whole lot of wandering followed by me rounding up the seniors and attempting to corral them around my shopping cart, in short - an adventure.

One of my mid-life friends reminds me that this is the new status quo. This is what happens in life. The parent and child swap roles. It still makes me wonder what quirks I'll notice next. What other roles will swap? I'm not sure how long he's staying with me, but for the time being, I'm curious what will happen next.

Tonight I came home and found him laughing on the couch watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

Who would have seen that coming?