Online Funerals: "Bobby From Texas Sends His Condolences..."

As of Tuesday, April 1, 2008, pay-per-view funerals went live online in the UK. I had read this article a few months ago, but I re-read the BBC article today and I had one thought: Brilliant!
Who wants to go to funerals anyway? The only reason anyone shows up is so the family members still around don't smack talk you when you pull a no show, right? By paying for a live internet feed, you can at least pretend that you wanted to attend, but it just wasn't possible because of work or because of lack of funds.

OK, I get it. Your dear uncle Louie from London passed on and there is no way you can make the trip with the price of airfare being what it is. Doesn't this take away from the connection (real or pretend) that you're supposed to have with the deceased's family? Soon they're going to read your IMs during the service and express your text condolences to the mourners. Maybe they'll read your text messages aloud during the funeral. Or maybe watch cousin Morty's funeral at livevblog.com. Or will you just sign up and log in to watch the funeral while you fool aroud with your 23 year old administrative assistant?

Year after year, the internet has made social connectivity a casualty of technology. It is now possible to "keep in touch" with people you haven't really spoken to in over a year, simply by forwarding an email to them periodically. At the same time, you can break up with girlfriends, quit your job and slowly detach from actual people just by sitting in your house. How many kids forgo the awkwardness of making physical friends and spend hours daily making friends in chat rooms and on You Tube? How many kids' only outlet to "friends" is a daily video blog about the sandwich they ate at school and what little miss popular wore to 5th period?

The internet has connected us across great distances. You may now have a friend across the country or across the globe. It has also succeeded in separating us from human contact with the people down the block or even next door.

In either the movie Judge Dredd or Demolition Man (thanks to my friend for the correction - all those movies were alike), there is a scene where the main character is informed that reproduction now occurs without human, physical contact. Makes you wonder how far away from that we are...

Oreos Are Chocolate

Maybe it's me...no...yeah, maybe...or maybe it's MY generation looking back. Let me just get to the point....

Oreos are chocolate. The cookies are chocolate and dark. The cream is white. If you wish, you can order it in mint (are those still around?) or double stuff (giggity), but the idea is chocolate cookies and cream inside. This latest farce that Nabisco is passing off as an Oreo is NOT, I repeat NOT, an Oreo. It is some warped version of one. Some sort of mutated sunshine cookie with cream inside. Honestly, after having tried this abomination, I consider some of the no frills 2 for $1 sunshine cookies from the local bodega (grocery store for you non-New Yorkers) of better quality.

Next on the hit list is this idea of being a street tough guy and going for a "spa day." Sorry guys, the two things don't go together. I was flipping through the TV and MTV had the best dance crews or some crap like that. First, Mario Lopez? MTV picked SLATER from Saved By The Bell to give this show street cred? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Wasn't he one of the hosts of The View or something? (Yeah, I know that's all women, and yet he still belongs. See how clever I am?) Second, how can this tough ass group come out to show their crew's moves (translation = choreographed dance) and then in the interview show that they're a tough crew ...who sometimes needs a spa day.

Do I really need to continue this rant? How about one more...

"Over-matching" your outfit. Let me give you an example. If you walk out wearing your new red Air Jordan Retro XXXXVVIIII Limited Editions and you matched you shirt, pants and hat to the exact color on the shoes (basically if you look like a big Crayola crayon) - you're over-matched. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't understand, youth today, it's the style, blah, blah, blah. You're supposed to match colors, not pick one and run with it. Unless you're a ninja - and I've never seen a ninja in red and white Nikes.

That's all I have to say.

Thirty 5

It was a rough week. My dad had a medical procedure this week, work has been annoying and there's this "moment". This was the moment I had been dreading for the past few weeks. It shouldn't be significant, but mentally the numbers gather significance as time passes. As of 1:25 A.M. June 16th, I turned 35. Ouch! Just thinking about it hurts. For those of you that don't know me, the birthday blues has been a problem of mine during socially significant years 18,21,31 and now 35. I guess at each stage I just take a deeper look in the mirror.

I sure somewhere there's a guy who just turned 35 and is looking back and hating his life. That's not me. Are there things I'd like to change, sure. The point of life is to continuously try to improve your situation -whether it's professionally or socially. On the weekend of my birthday I just feel happy, loved and yes, a bit drunk. :) I look at my dad who just turned 75 and has no friends and barely any family. Weird for someone who had 12 other siblings. He's spent a large part of his life distrusting everyone he's met and is always thinking someone is out to get him.

On my weekend, I spent time with my close friends and family, talked or emailed those who couldn't be around, laughed at funny cards (both email & paper -even musical), ate a home cooked meal and consumed more whiskey, rum and Mike's Hard Lemonade than is probably recommended at my age! Basically I enjoyed every minute of it.

I wish I could list what I've learned thus far and all that crap, but what's the point? We all have to learn the lessons for ourselves. I will say that you should enjoy every change that was for the better and spend time getting to know yourself. At 18, I was quick to rage. I could feel my blood boil. At 35, I hate to admit that I'm more emotional and sometimes even seem to wear my heart on my sleeve. I used to laugh at one of my friends because he would get emotional at the end of many movies. I mean like Monsters and Shrek. You know what, I've realized that if you're at the point in life where you can't feel, or get emotional over something stupid or just have a good ol' Tony Soprano moment when you scan the room appreciating all of your friends and family, then you've missed part of the point of this whole experience.

The best advice I can give is my favorite quote from Wulf Zendik:

"The Moment is your big chance-grab it-it will not come again. The moment is unique, unlike any that preceded, unlike any that follows. Revel in its pleasures and peer deeply into its pain-underst​and the why of pain-it is an effect. Its cause is a lethargy in Living. The lethargy of waiting-wait​ing a moment more deserving of attention. That is Life passing you by while you wait...Whate​ver you do-do it totally-
Do it Now..."​

- Wulf Zendik

Are You A Pet Person?

I always wondered about "pet" people. I never had a dog or a cat. My mother is actually terrified of animals of all sizes and this meant I was only able to have odds and ends pets while growing up. I've had fish - all of which eventually got flushed, parakeets, turtles, and a rabbit (which ended up legs up in his cage). This is probably the reason I laugh when people ask me if I don't want to have children soon. I figure if I can't keep a rabbit alive, I shouldn't try to move up to a more complex model.

Yesterday I saw a commercial for an insurance company - Progressive. In the ad they advertised "pet injury coverage" with their car insurance coverage.

WTF?

I'm sure some of you are googling the Progressive web site now and saying how great it will be to have your pet covered in your insurance. Especially after dressing up little "Muffy" and "Scooter" in their fashionable designer outfits. I know this is a huge market for retailers. Even Toys R Us now has a pet toy and dress aisle.

I wonder how much you end up paying for this coverage? Last time I checked, pets are considered "property" in a court of law. So I hate to break this to you, but here's the quote directly from the Progressive site:

"It may seem insensitive to consider the four-legged members of your family as property, but insurance policies designate bodily injury coverage for humans only. All other damages in an accident — including your pet's injuries — are considered property damage."

That's right all you pet people, you cat and dog are property. I know you thought your insurance company was going to pay for your pet's broken legs and post traumatic stress syndrome but you are wrong. So I hope you kept your receipt when you bought Marmaduke.

It sounds cold, I know. I like dogs, but I'm not sure I could live with one at this time in my life. I'm definitely sure I wouldn't dress him up in a raincoat for his walk. Cats - don't even get me started. If I want to be looked down on when I come home, I'll get married!

It's brilliant, though. Most Americans never read the fine print anyway. Few will check the regulations for this coverage. Thousands will sign up just based on the TV ad.

If ignorance is bliss, I guess it's a win/win situation.

My Shortest Post Ever

It cost me $42.49 to fill up my little Corolla gas tank.

#@%$ #*$@! Damn you OPEC!

That's all I have to say.